Gender-Orgasm-Gap: Closing the Gap and Bringing Women to Orgasm!

Why do men orgasm significantly more often than women? And what does this mean for relationships, self-esteem, and pleasure? The so-called „gender orgasm gap“ describes precisely this imbalance – and it affects many couples, especially in heteronormative relationships. But the good news is: it's not about our bodies, but usually about communication, knowledge, and sexual routines. Those who are willing to talk more openly about needs, the clitoris, and orgasm can rediscover their love life – and increase pleasure for both sides. This is how women can reach climax too.

Studies from the USA show for heterosexual couples:

• 95 % der Männer kommen regelmäßig zum Orgasmus
• only 65 % of women orgasm during sex

For same-sex couples, this differs slightly – here, men reach orgasm regularly 89 % of the time, and women are not far behind at 86 % of the time.

Additionally, there are people who have never had an orgasm or only experience it through masturbation – this affects both women and men.

Is the orgasm gap a purely private problem?

No! This also reveals a societal pattern in our sexual culture. Women often settle for significantly less; their satisfaction is either not discussed or not perceived. Women also tend more often towards „people-pleasing.“ They are raised to do so and are often pushed into stereotypical roles of caring, being there for their partner, and performing emotional labor.

What does orgasm do and how does it work?

Simply put: Orgasm reduces stress. This in turn increases libido, and birth rates would also rise if we were all more satisfied, researchers say. So, an orgasm ultimately makes us happier and more inclined to reproduce.

It's due to the release of sexual tension. In women, it leads to muscular contractions in the pelvis, one per second, about 5 to 8 times, after which relaxation occurs. In men, the muscles around the vas deferens and prostate contract, culminating in ejaculation. Men take an average of 3 to 5 minutes for this. For women, the path to orgasm takes a bit longer.

How to bring orgasm into the bedroom?

Many couples, especially in heteronormative relationships, follow an unconscious „script“ for how sex should play out: kissing, foreplay, penetration – the end. There's a lot of room for the penis in lovemaking, but penetration alone isn't enough, at least for women.

Men, please take note: this is about the clitoris, and above all, the glans clitoris! It often just watches from afar. Use your hands and your tongue – until the vulva swells. That's the right way to the peak. It is the central pleasure organ of women and is often too little directly stimulated in heterosexual sex. Only when the clitoris is well-circulated and aroused does the likelihood of orgasm increase significantly. And this is achieved by men using hands, tongue, patience, and communication.

Shame is misplaced here

We can talk about it. If you know what turns you on and helps you reach orgasm during masturbation, then you can also share that with your partner. Talking about what you like and don't like is half the battle.

Does it always have to be a highlight?

There are also men who claim that their own orgasm isn't as important. They'd rather „deliver“ – it's important to them that their partner climaxes. Many people are also happy when they feel desired and enjoy the closeness and the act to relax, without experiencing an orgasm every time.

The problem isn't the bodies

No orgasm is complicated, and it's certainly not due to anatomy. Researchers say the ability to orgasm depends on how we have sex and on openness towards the topic and one's partner. Heterosexual couples often have these pre-set „scripts“ for sex. In queer couples, it's observed that there's more experimentation, „play,“ and simply more negotiation – which leads to greater success in reaching climax.

The Top 6 Orgasm Inducers

Masturbation is the first step
Look at how you satisfy yourselves. Bring that into your relationship, try it out, talk about what you like. What could you add or „rehearse“ to be able to do even more in partnered sexuality?

Sex doesn't work through mind control.
It should say: „Come together, talk to each other.“ There is nothing to be ashamed of. You quickly realize when you are not sexually compatible, and you can also „work on it“ or move on. When it comes to sex, you should listen to your partner or talk openly with friends.

There's no magic bullet for reaching orgasm
Every climax is completely individual. You are allowed to discover for yourselves how you best get off with each other.

The glans of the clitoris is the target in women
Many vacuum-powered vibrators reliably bring women to orgasm. Such little helpers can also be included in couple's sex.

Performance pressure and heavy porn consumption are the „downers“ in your sex life. Sex should be kept far away from performance expectations, because men don't have to be the stronger ones in bed. Be careful not to fall prey to widespread toxic content in your own social media bubble. What helps? Talk about what you like and what role each person wants to take. Look beyond your pre-made script for lovemaking: Read a queer photo love story or watch a different kind of porn.

This helps young people who are inexperienced.
An open sex education class that goes beyond biological reproduction is very helpful. Where values, trust, boundaries, and above all, communication can also be a topic.

When you turn these little knobs, it wonderfully takes the pressure off you and your partner. Have fun trying it out!