Gender Orgasm Gap: Here's how we close the gap and bring women to orgasm! Why do men orgasm significantly more often than women? And what does this mean for relationships, self-esteem, and desire? The so-called „gender orgasm gap“ describes precisely this imbalance – and it affects many couples, especially in heteronormative relationships.
But the good news is: it's not our bodies, but mostly communication, knowledge, and sexual routines. Those who are willing to talk more openly about needs, the clitoris, and orgasm can rediscover their love life – and increase pleasure for both sides. This way, women can also reach orgasm.
Studies from the US show for heterosexual couples
• 95 % of men reach orgasm regularly
• Only 65 % of women experience an orgasm during sex
The situation is slightly different for same-sex couples—here, 89 % of men and 86 % of women regularly reach orgasm. In addition, there are people who have never had an orgasm or who experience it exclusively through masturbation—this applies to both women and men.
Is the orgasm gap a purely private problem?
No! This also reveals a societal pattern in our sex culture. Women often settle for significantly less, and their satisfaction is not discussed or perceived. Women also tend more often towards „people-pleasing.“ They are raised to do this and are often pushed into stereotypical roles of caring for their partners and performing emotional labor.
What does orgasm do and how does it work?
Simply put: Orgasm reduces stress. This in turn leads to more desire and the birth rate would also increase if we were all more satisfied, say researchers. So, a sexual climax makes us happier and more fertile overall.
It's due to the release of sexual tension. In women, it leads to muscle contractions in the pelvis, one per second, approximately 5–8 times, followed by relaxation. In men, the muscles around the vas deferens and prostate contract, culminating in ejaculation. Men need an average of 3–5 minutes for this. For women, the journey to orgasm takes a little longer.
How to bring orgasm into the bedroom?
Many couples, especially in heteronormative relationships, follow an unconscious „script“ for how sex is supposed to go: kissing, foreplay, penetration – the end. There's a lot of room for the penis in foreplay, but penetration alone isn't enough, at least for women.
Men, please take note: This is about the clitoris, and especially the glans clitoris! It often just watches from the sidelines. Use your hands and your tongue – until the vulva swells. That's the right way to the summit. It is the central pleasure organ for women and is often stimulated too little directly in heterosexual sex. Only when the clitoris is well-supplied with blood and aroused does the probability of an orgasm increase significantly. And you can achieve this with your hands, tongue, patience, and communication.
Shame is misplaced here
We can talk about it. If you know what turns you on and helps you reach orgasm during masturbation, then you can also share that with your partner. Talking about what you like and don't like is half the battle.
Does it always have to be a climax?
There are also men who claim that their own orgasm isn't as important. They'd rather „deliver“ – it's important to them that their partner climaxes. Many people are also happy when they feel desired and enjoy closeness and the act as a way to relax, without necessarily reaching a climax every time.
The problem isn't the bodies
No orgasm is complicated, and it's certainly not due to anatomy. Researchers say the ability to orgasm depends on the way we have sex and on openness towards the topic and one's partner. Heterosexual couples often have these pre-defined „sequences of actions.“ With queer couples, it's shown: they experiment more, „play around,“ and negotiate more – this allows them to reach the peak more successfully.
The Top 6 Orgasm Inducers
- Masturbation is the first step:
Look at how you satisfy yourselves. Bring that into your relationship, try it out, talk about what you like. What could be added or „re-practiced“ to be able to do even more in couple's sexuality? - Sex doesn't work through telepathy:
It should say: „Come together, talk to each other.“ There is nothing to be ashamed of. You quickly notice when you are not sexually compatible, and you are allowed to „work on it“ or move on. When it comes to sex, you should listen to your partner or talk openly with friends. - There's no magic bullet for the path to orgasm:
Every climax is completely individual. Discover for yourselves how you best get off with each other. - The glans of the clitoris is the target in women:
Many vacuum-powered vibrators reliably bring women to orgasm. Such little helpers can also be incorporated into partner sex.
Performance pressure and heavy porn consumption are the „downers“ in your sex life. Sex should be kept far away from performance thinking, because men don't have to be the stronger ones in bed. Be careful not to fall for widespread toxic content in your own social media bubble.
What helps? Talk about what you like and what role each person wants to take on. Look beyond your pre-written script for lovemaking: Try reading a queer photo love story or watching a different kind of porn.
This helps young people who are inexperienced.
Open sex education that goes beyond biological reproduction is very helpful. Where values, trust, boundaries, and especially communication can also be a topic.
When you turn these little wheels, it wonderfully takes the pressure off you and your partner. Have fun trying it out!
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